Agnostic or atheist, I don’t even know with certainty what I am. Perhaps I am a bit of both, an atheistic agnostic or an agnostic theist. Either way, it is obvious that I am struggling with the idea of God, and therefore religion. I am neither a philosopher nor a hippy. I am just someone who has too much commonsense paired with a strong need of proof. I couldn’t make the leap of faith.
I have a “claimed” religion, which I obviously don’t practice. This is the big flaw in my life, one that I am not proud of. It is also my one biggest fear. I don’t want to rob my kids the opportunity for them to believe in something. I don’t want them to follow my footsteps just because there’s no other example. I know I have to figure this out for their sake. Given the option, I’d rather come clean and tell them of my struggles rather than be a churchgoing phony. They don’t deserve that. Plus they are too smart, they’ll see right through me.
After what seemed to be months (or even years) of not going to church at my own will (being guilt tripped by mom to go, doesn’t count), I asked my family to go to church today. I don’t know why all of a sudden I just felt like going. Perhaps my friend’s enthusiasm in describing this church did the trick. Who knows… perhaps this was one of those signs. Anyway, I didn’t know what to expect, but was willing to come with an open mind and an open heart.
I’m glad I did. I didn’t know what happened today. It could be divine intervention for all I know. But I was so moved throughout the entire service. I find myself shedding tears in the first hallelujah song and it didn’t stop until the end of the service. In fact, I had to really fight back the tears (embarrassment being the biggest factor). And it was really unexplainable. It felt like tears of undying gratitude, for I know that I have been truly blessed. I have a great husband, wonderful children, a career I love, a business I’m excited about, good friends… a brilliant life. I surrendered, opened my heart and filled it with this new warmth.
Am I making a leap of faith? I don’t know. Even as I am writing this, I know all my questions about God or the higher power is not yet answered. But it doesn’t matter. All I know is I feel happy. At peace. And I feel like going back next week. Tonight, for the first time ever, I led my kids in prayer, before they go to bed. Again, I felt undying gratitude. It reminded me with something someone said in the defining moment video at church today, “Tuhan memberikan saya kehidupan, karena Dia memiliki rencana besar buat saya.” As I am currently struggling with my purpose in life, this really strikes a chord. Perhaps I will find my answer by making that leap of faith. Who knows?
This entry is dedicated to Shelvia and Doni Priliandi.
Thanks for being such good friends who bring a positive force in my life. Also thanks for introducing me to JPCC.
