Corporate Sluts

Just typing it makes me wince.   What is it anyway…  Is it a person who is willing to do anything for her job?  Is it the slutty girl in the office?  Whatever the real answer is, I felt that I had a moment of corporate sluttiness (is there such word?) about a week ago.

We were courting this BUMN company (that shall remain nameless) for its business.  And this was the second meeting, where we were expected to share what we can do for them.  There were 5 of us from the team: 3 guys, me and another female colleague (say, her name is Barbie), to meet the division heads.

Picture the scenario:  we entered a room that was predominantly male.  Barbie and I walked in first, greeting them with what I thought was our professional demeanor.  But amazingly what they notice is our scent.  For the first comment we receive was not “nice to see you again….” Noooo…..  It was “Wah ruangannya jadi harum nih…” complete with the dirty smile…  What the fuck???  Seeing that it is only the beginning of the meeting, I just forced a smile.

After that the meeting progressed quite well and that incident was almost forgotten until Q&A session where one of the client said “saya nanya-nya sama yang duduk sini aja deh… (pointing to Barbie and I), yang lebih putih-putih…  yang disana (ponting to my male colleagues) lebih item-item… enakan sama yang putih-putih!”  more dirty smiles…  more knowing looks were passed… WHAT THE FUCK?????

After the meeting my male colleagues were all “you should have seen your face,” “I was afraid you were gonna say something,” “what were they thinking?” etc…etc…

I didn’t know what happened to me that day…  whatever it was, I felt that I was a corporate slut.  Somehow, I became this person who just stood by as I was obviously being harassed or I was seen as the meeting eye candy.  Either way, corporate sluts. 

I was really mad…  Why can’t these men see us as professionals?  Why is it that looking good means that a woman is subject to lewd behavior?  Does it mean that we have to look butch to be seen as a professional?  To be ugly? I really wonder…  If having an opinion, presenting myself well, acting professionally will be devalued just by looking good, then I am doomed.  Not just me, most women are.   

Most of all though… I was mad at myself.  I was angry that those behaviors were tolerated… regardless of why; Is it Barbie’s fault for looking gorgeous, mine for not retaliating, nipping it at hallo or them for being pigs… But really, I was angry that I didn’t say anything. 

By not saying anything, I gave it permission to continue.  By not saying anything, I was an object, by not saying anything I let my fellow women professionals down.  By not saying anything, I become a corporate slut.

The New Nuclear Family

Dad, mom, kid and nanny (or even nannies), how often do we see that at malls, cafes, schools, hospitals, you name it? It is becoming a common sight.  Yet I often wonder why that is.  Growing up, my parents don’t have a nanny tagging along wherever we go.  My two sisters and I have to do things on our own.  And we were fine.  So I wonder why is it that my generation is so dependent on these nannies?  Are we less capable?  Or are we simply lazier?  Or do we have too much money or too busy that we can’t be bothered taking care of our own kids?  Whatever the reasons might be, do we think about how this will impact our kids?

Before we get married, I made it clear to D that if he expects us to have kids, he have to agree to help me take care of them.  Simply because I can’t see myself going around with my kids plus a nanny in tow.  I just can’t.  I firmly believe unless you can take care of your kids, you have no business having one.  I am not anti nanny.  I myself employ one to take care of my three kids who are 3, 4 and 9 years old.  I see her as a necessary evil.  I work full time and I have a side business, so yes, it will be highly unrealistic of me to not have anyone taking care of my kids when I am at work.  But at the same time, I don’t want to make it a habit for my kids to have someone at their backing call. 

I believe, kids must learn responsibility early on in life.  The more they learn to do things on their own, from the simple act of putting on their own shoes, to more complicated things like taking care of a pet, the better of they are.  That is why I believe, having too many nannies taking care of them actually rob them their opportunity to become independent.  Children are actually capable of doing things, more than what we adults give them credit for.  Matt, my 3 year old, can do most things on her own, with the exception of cleaning herself (after she goes to the toilet) and showering cleanly (although if you ask her, she will insists that she can shower on her own) .  The added bonus is that they feel empowered, confident and proud; all features we as parent desire our children to have. 

“…every parent is a teacher.  The mission that we’ve undertaken is not simply to feed, cuddle, and protect our children.  We will also need to teach them to become independent, self-confident, successful adults, who are happy and fulfilled in their lives.” 

Tim Seldin, President of the Montessori Foundation.

I understand that every parent wants the best for their children.  However, I also think we need to take an honest hard look at ourselves and examine the impact of our decisions. Could it be in our act of wanting to give them the best we actually rob them of what’s best for them?   Simple things we can start with is:  is one nanny per child a REAL necessity or luxury?  Are there things I can teach my kid to do on their own rather than have the nanny do it for them?  Who knows, the answer might surprise you.

Good things will come

A friend once told me, do what you love and good things will come.  And it did.  Last week my boss told me something any employee would love to hear: a promotion.  He wants me to run my own P & L.  In truth, this is something I dreamed of doing until 3 years ago (until I lost my passion and inspiration, that is.  But that’s a different story).  Now that it’s here, I’m not too sure how I feel about it.  Scared, proud, happy, concerned, intrigued (why me?) all whirling in my head like a tornado.  All I can think of, what must I sacrifice for this? 

Mind you, if something like this fell on my lap three years ago, I would’ve said yes in a heartbeat!  Since my head is now in a different space, I have to ponder about it.  If I take it, this means bigger responsibility, longer hours and bigger stress.  Can I really afford it?  Can I afford not to?  After all, opportunity such as this doesn’t really come often.  Dilemma… dilemma… dilemma.

But after contemplating it for a couple of days, I started getting clarity.  Why is it a dilemma?  Yes, it will be hard.  Yes, it will mean more juggling.  More planning, organizing, strategizing, but then again… what’s new?  Besides, deep down inside, I know I’m saying yes already.  So last Monday, I braved myself to say yes (and was received with a big hug by my boss).

After all, like I always tell my daughters, you won’t know until you’ve tried it.  I shouldn’t worry so much about what if...  I should think positive and happy thoughts J  Still, it can’t be trying just for the sake of trying.  I must do justice to my decision.  It is about doing.  More importantly, it is about putting my passion into it.  If I can do that, I believe I will be able to keep all the balls on the air.  Sure, there will be times when one is about to drop, but with my focus, passion and perseverance, I believe, if I keep at it, more good things will come. 

Powerful Me

Whoever said women is the weaker sex, must be mad.  Haven’t they heard “Behind every powerful man is a strong woman?”  The first time I came across that expression was on a sticker on top of my mom’s dresser.  I never put much thought into it.  Whatever boosts her ego I thought.

I now realize it wasn’t about ego.  It was a reminder.  A gentle reminder to us women of the role we play in our husband’s life.  

To some of you, this might be of no surprise.  It is not that I am oblivious to the fact that we do affect them.  I just didn’t realize how much.  I learn this through my own experiences.  Through the ups and downs in our marriage, I get to learn what really matters to D.  And I am ashamed to admit I haven’t always been there for him.  Not by choice, but out of ignorance really. 

Some things that I thought nothing of turned out to give him great stress.  For example, I love to dream (Hey, wanting it all right?).  When watching the travel channel I would say things like “Isn’t it great to just spend a month in Greece?” or “Imagine having a fantastic house like that!”  Get the idea right?  Well, to me those are just moments of day dreaming said in passing.  To him, it is another “I must fulfill list.”  No wonder he always works so hard!  Unfortunately I didn’t discover this until my 2^nd year of marriage. 

My eleven years of marriage is sprinkled with similar anecdotes.  Some of these discoveries are learnt from talking to other people (like his sister) or from reading books about relationships and some are told to me firsthand after long arguments (yeah, I can be quite dense at times).  Either way, they add to my “education” of how I can be a better wife for him.  Of how powerful I truly am.   

I learn how simple words like “I’m so proud of you,”  “Thanks for working so hard,”  “I trust you” can really make a huge difference.  In short, I have the power to instill confidence, pride, a feeling of being appreciated, trusted and loved.  Honestly, how hard is it to say those words anyway?  And no, this power doesn’t make the make me the perfect wife.  But I do hope this means I send him out of the house everyday with the feeling that he can move mountains, slay dragons, fight temptations and after he finishes his herculean labors, there’s a wife who love him waiting for his safe return.

Still think we're the weaker sex? ;)


Dedicated to all powerful women.  Selamat Hari Kartini.

Your children are not your children

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

For the past two weeks, my husband and I are debating whether or not to give permission to JC to go on her class fieldtrip to Pulau Putri.  You see, we are worried about the whole wind, tsunami, natural disaster thing.  Perhaps we are being overly protective.  Perhaps. 

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

At the same time, we want her to explore and learn about eco systems, mangrove habitats, snail colony and all that.  To have firsthand experience in studying in nature what she learn in class.  But is it worth the risk? Granted, there is no one who can predict with 100% certainty what the weather is going to be like; it could be all nice and sunny for all we know.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

So where is the middle ground?  I find this one extremely hard because it isn’t about trusting her.  It is about the X factor.  I realize there will probably be a gazillion X factors I can’t protect her against in the future.  But for now, while I still can, I feel the need to do so.  Still, part of being a parent is learning to let go.  Perhaps this is the beginning of many letting goes I must do in the future.  I am not happy with it, but then again, practice makes perfect J


on Children
by Kahlil Gibran

Leap of Faith

Agnostic or atheist, I don’t even know with certainty what I am.  Perhaps I am a bit of both, an atheistic agnostic or an agnostic theist.  Either way, it is obvious that I am struggling with the idea of God, and therefore religion.  I am neither a philosopher nor a hippy.  I am just someone who has too much commonsense paired with a strong need of proof.  I couldn’t make the leap of faith. 

I have a “claimed” religion, which I obviously don’t practice.  This is the big flaw in my life, one that I am not proud of.  It is also my one biggest fear.  I don’t want to rob my kids the opportunity for them to believe in something.  I don’t want them to follow my footsteps just because there’s no other example.  I know I have to figure this out for their sake.  Given the option, I’d rather come clean and tell them of my struggles rather than be a churchgoing phony.  They don’t deserve that.  Plus they are too smart, they’ll see right through me.

After what seemed to be months (or even years) of not going to church at my own will (being guilt tripped by mom to go, doesn’t count), I asked my family to go to church today.  I don’t know why all of a sudden I just felt like going.  Perhaps my friend’s enthusiasm in describing this church did the trick.  Who knows… perhaps this was one of those signs.  Anyway, I didn’t know what to expect, but was willing to come with an open mind and an open heart.

I’m glad I did.  I didn’t know what happened today.  It could be divine intervention for all I know.  But I was so moved throughout the entire service.  I find myself shedding tears in the first hallelujah song and it didn’t stop until the end of the service.  In fact, I had to really fight back the tears (embarrassment being the biggest factor).  And it was really unexplainable.  It felt like tears of undying gratitude, for I know that I have been truly blessed.  I have a great husband, wonderful children, a career I love, a business I’m excited about, good friends… a brilliant life.  I surrendered, opened my heart and filled it with this new warmth. 

Am I making a leap of faith?  I don’t know.  Even as I am writing this, I know all my questions about God or the higher power is not yet answered.  But it doesn’t matter.  All I know is I feel happy.  At peace.  And I feel like going back next week.  Tonight, for the first time ever, I led my kids in prayer, before they go to bed.  Again, I felt undying gratitude. It reminded me with something someone said in the defining moment video at church today, “Tuhan memberikan saya kehidupan, karena Dia memiliki rencana besar buat saya.”  As I am currently struggling with my purpose in life, this really strikes a chord.  Perhaps I will find my answer by making that leap of faith.  Who knows?

This entry is dedicated to Shelvia and Doni Priliandi. 

Thanks for being such good friends who bring a positive force in my life.  Also thanks for introducing me to JPCC.

A Selfish Materialistic Bitch

“Which one would you choose to marry, a snob who is very rich or a caring man who is poor?”  Silence… I don’t know how to best answer my daughter’s question.  Do I tell her the expected “chick flick” answer, or do I tell her what I really think?  How do I tell her real life is not that simple?

We all know that if we are watching a chick flick, we will be rooting for the caring but poor guy.  Because deep down inside we are hopeless romantics and desperately want to believe in our childhood fairytales where good always conquers evil.  That a caring guy will trumps over a snobbish guy any day, despite how wealthy he is.  Plus of course the idea that money is not everything.  That answer makes us feel good about ourselves.  

However, do all the chicks rooting for the poor guy in the movie will do so in real life?  I maybe won’t.  I don’t know.  I believe, one of the best ways to find a husband is by being true to yourself.  If you are used to a certain standard of living, what business do you have choosing the poor guy?  You will only end up miserable.  Take me for example; I was raised in a well to do family.  So I know that after I get married, I will expect a similar standard of living.  I was willing to go down a notch, even a few (and I did), but I wasn’t willing to be completely poor. 

I’ve had enough boyfriends and my fair share of fun to know that I’ve “been there, done that” (literally), and come marriage, I want my marriage to last.  Therefore, I realized early on that I have to be very clear with my expectations from sex, religion, education, raising children, to money and career.  There is no more being nice just to get laid.  This is the real thing.  And as such, I need to be brave enough to put down my terms, even if it meant that I could lose him. At the risk of being called a bitch, a selfish bitch, a selfish materialistic bitch, I raised all those topics and more to my then would be husband. 

I remember the hardest part was telling him that I want a certain standard of living and exactly how I want my earnings to be used (and he did called me materialistic J), but you know what, I’m glad I did.   At the end of what seemed to be e very long day (with emotional roller coasters, tears and angers), we both know our expectations and we both came to agreements covering all those topics. They are all something that both of us can live with.   Eleven years later we still live by those decisions.   And I think, that’s what’s important.  Knowing yourself and your partner well enough and know what both of you expect of one another, BEFORE I dos are spoken.  There is nothing worse, than short selling yourself.  You deserve to be happy, but you are the architect and contractor for your own happiness.

So going back to the question, I told my daughter, I will choose neither.  Because none of them is good enough for me.  I want a caring rich guy.  If that is not in the choice right now, I will pass until it is.  I just hope she understands and not see her mom as a selfish materialistic bitch.