Good things will come

A friend once told me, do what you love and good things will come.  And it did.  Last week my boss told me something any employee would love to hear: a promotion.  He wants me to run my own P & L.  In truth, this is something I dreamed of doing until 3 years ago (until I lost my passion and inspiration, that is.  But that’s a different story).  Now that it’s here, I’m not too sure how I feel about it.  Scared, proud, happy, concerned, intrigued (why me?) all whirling in my head like a tornado.  All I can think of, what must I sacrifice for this? 

Mind you, if something like this fell on my lap three years ago, I would’ve said yes in a heartbeat!  Since my head is now in a different space, I have to ponder about it.  If I take it, this means bigger responsibility, longer hours and bigger stress.  Can I really afford it?  Can I afford not to?  After all, opportunity such as this doesn’t really come often.  Dilemma… dilemma… dilemma.

But after contemplating it for a couple of days, I started getting clarity.  Why is it a dilemma?  Yes, it will be hard.  Yes, it will mean more juggling.  More planning, organizing, strategizing, but then again… what’s new?  Besides, deep down inside, I know I’m saying yes already.  So last Monday, I braved myself to say yes (and was received with a big hug by my boss).

After all, like I always tell my daughters, you won’t know until you’ve tried it.  I shouldn’t worry so much about what if...  I should think positive and happy thoughts J  Still, it can’t be trying just for the sake of trying.  I must do justice to my decision.  It is about doing.  More importantly, it is about putting my passion into it.  If I can do that, I believe I will be able to keep all the balls on the air.  Sure, there will be times when one is about to drop, but with my focus, passion and perseverance, I believe, if I keep at it, more good things will come. 

Powerful Me

Whoever said women is the weaker sex, must be mad.  Haven’t they heard “Behind every powerful man is a strong woman?”  The first time I came across that expression was on a sticker on top of my mom’s dresser.  I never put much thought into it.  Whatever boosts her ego I thought.

I now realize it wasn’t about ego.  It was a reminder.  A gentle reminder to us women of the role we play in our husband’s life.  

To some of you, this might be of no surprise.  It is not that I am oblivious to the fact that we do affect them.  I just didn’t realize how much.  I learn this through my own experiences.  Through the ups and downs in our marriage, I get to learn what really matters to D.  And I am ashamed to admit I haven’t always been there for him.  Not by choice, but out of ignorance really. 

Some things that I thought nothing of turned out to give him great stress.  For example, I love to dream (Hey, wanting it all right?).  When watching the travel channel I would say things like “Isn’t it great to just spend a month in Greece?” or “Imagine having a fantastic house like that!”  Get the idea right?  Well, to me those are just moments of day dreaming said in passing.  To him, it is another “I must fulfill list.”  No wonder he always works so hard!  Unfortunately I didn’t discover this until my 2^nd year of marriage. 

My eleven years of marriage is sprinkled with similar anecdotes.  Some of these discoveries are learnt from talking to other people (like his sister) or from reading books about relationships and some are told to me firsthand after long arguments (yeah, I can be quite dense at times).  Either way, they add to my “education” of how I can be a better wife for him.  Of how powerful I truly am.   

I learn how simple words like “I’m so proud of you,”  “Thanks for working so hard,”  “I trust you” can really make a huge difference.  In short, I have the power to instill confidence, pride, a feeling of being appreciated, trusted and loved.  Honestly, how hard is it to say those words anyway?  And no, this power doesn’t make the make me the perfect wife.  But I do hope this means I send him out of the house everyday with the feeling that he can move mountains, slay dragons, fight temptations and after he finishes his herculean labors, there’s a wife who love him waiting for his safe return.

Still think we're the weaker sex? ;)


Dedicated to all powerful women.  Selamat Hari Kartini.

Your children are not your children

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

For the past two weeks, my husband and I are debating whether or not to give permission to JC to go on her class fieldtrip to Pulau Putri.  You see, we are worried about the whole wind, tsunami, natural disaster thing.  Perhaps we are being overly protective.  Perhaps. 

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

At the same time, we want her to explore and learn about eco systems, mangrove habitats, snail colony and all that.  To have firsthand experience in studying in nature what she learn in class.  But is it worth the risk? Granted, there is no one who can predict with 100% certainty what the weather is going to be like; it could be all nice and sunny for all we know.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

So where is the middle ground?  I find this one extremely hard because it isn’t about trusting her.  It is about the X factor.  I realize there will probably be a gazillion X factors I can’t protect her against in the future.  But for now, while I still can, I feel the need to do so.  Still, part of being a parent is learning to let go.  Perhaps this is the beginning of many letting goes I must do in the future.  I am not happy with it, but then again, practice makes perfect J


on Children
by Kahlil Gibran

Leap of Faith

Agnostic or atheist, I don’t even know with certainty what I am.  Perhaps I am a bit of both, an atheistic agnostic or an agnostic theist.  Either way, it is obvious that I am struggling with the idea of God, and therefore religion.  I am neither a philosopher nor a hippy.  I am just someone who has too much commonsense paired with a strong need of proof.  I couldn’t make the leap of faith. 

I have a “claimed” religion, which I obviously don’t practice.  This is the big flaw in my life, one that I am not proud of.  It is also my one biggest fear.  I don’t want to rob my kids the opportunity for them to believe in something.  I don’t want them to follow my footsteps just because there’s no other example.  I know I have to figure this out for their sake.  Given the option, I’d rather come clean and tell them of my struggles rather than be a churchgoing phony.  They don’t deserve that.  Plus they are too smart, they’ll see right through me.

After what seemed to be months (or even years) of not going to church at my own will (being guilt tripped by mom to go, doesn’t count), I asked my family to go to church today.  I don’t know why all of a sudden I just felt like going.  Perhaps my friend’s enthusiasm in describing this church did the trick.  Who knows… perhaps this was one of those signs.  Anyway, I didn’t know what to expect, but was willing to come with an open mind and an open heart.

I’m glad I did.  I didn’t know what happened today.  It could be divine intervention for all I know.  But I was so moved throughout the entire service.  I find myself shedding tears in the first hallelujah song and it didn’t stop until the end of the service.  In fact, I had to really fight back the tears (embarrassment being the biggest factor).  And it was really unexplainable.  It felt like tears of undying gratitude, for I know that I have been truly blessed.  I have a great husband, wonderful children, a career I love, a business I’m excited about, good friends… a brilliant life.  I surrendered, opened my heart and filled it with this new warmth. 

Am I making a leap of faith?  I don’t know.  Even as I am writing this, I know all my questions about God or the higher power is not yet answered.  But it doesn’t matter.  All I know is I feel happy.  At peace.  And I feel like going back next week.  Tonight, for the first time ever, I led my kids in prayer, before they go to bed.  Again, I felt undying gratitude. It reminded me with something someone said in the defining moment video at church today, “Tuhan memberikan saya kehidupan, karena Dia memiliki rencana besar buat saya.”  As I am currently struggling with my purpose in life, this really strikes a chord.  Perhaps I will find my answer by making that leap of faith.  Who knows?

This entry is dedicated to Shelvia and Doni Priliandi. 

Thanks for being such good friends who bring a positive force in my life.  Also thanks for introducing me to JPCC.

A Selfish Materialistic Bitch

“Which one would you choose to marry, a snob who is very rich or a caring man who is poor?”  Silence… I don’t know how to best answer my daughter’s question.  Do I tell her the expected “chick flick” answer, or do I tell her what I really think?  How do I tell her real life is not that simple?

We all know that if we are watching a chick flick, we will be rooting for the caring but poor guy.  Because deep down inside we are hopeless romantics and desperately want to believe in our childhood fairytales where good always conquers evil.  That a caring guy will trumps over a snobbish guy any day, despite how wealthy he is.  Plus of course the idea that money is not everything.  That answer makes us feel good about ourselves.  

However, do all the chicks rooting for the poor guy in the movie will do so in real life?  I maybe won’t.  I don’t know.  I believe, one of the best ways to find a husband is by being true to yourself.  If you are used to a certain standard of living, what business do you have choosing the poor guy?  You will only end up miserable.  Take me for example; I was raised in a well to do family.  So I know that after I get married, I will expect a similar standard of living.  I was willing to go down a notch, even a few (and I did), but I wasn’t willing to be completely poor. 

I’ve had enough boyfriends and my fair share of fun to know that I’ve “been there, done that” (literally), and come marriage, I want my marriage to last.  Therefore, I realized early on that I have to be very clear with my expectations from sex, religion, education, raising children, to money and career.  There is no more being nice just to get laid.  This is the real thing.  And as such, I need to be brave enough to put down my terms, even if it meant that I could lose him. At the risk of being called a bitch, a selfish bitch, a selfish materialistic bitch, I raised all those topics and more to my then would be husband. 

I remember the hardest part was telling him that I want a certain standard of living and exactly how I want my earnings to be used (and he did called me materialistic J), but you know what, I’m glad I did.   At the end of what seemed to be e very long day (with emotional roller coasters, tears and angers), we both know our expectations and we both came to agreements covering all those topics. They are all something that both of us can live with.   Eleven years later we still live by those decisions.   And I think, that’s what’s important.  Knowing yourself and your partner well enough and know what both of you expect of one another, BEFORE I dos are spoken.  There is nothing worse, than short selling yourself.  You deserve to be happy, but you are the architect and contractor for your own happiness.

So going back to the question, I told my daughter, I will choose neither.  Because none of them is good enough for me.  I want a caring rich guy.  If that is not in the choice right now, I will pass until it is.  I just hope she understands and not see her mom as a selfish materialistic bitch.

You Reap What You Sow

How often have you heard this “hahaha…  gue sukses abiss ngebet.  Tu dosen emang rabun jauh!”  “Waktu gue di sma gue jagoan ngebet.  Gue tulis kebetan dimana-mana tapi gak pernah ketauan.  Pokoknya tiap ujian gue gak pernah belajar dan nilai gue selalu bagus.”  “gue dong lebih hebat lagi!  Temen sekelas gue anaknya jendral xxxx gak tau gimana pokoknya dia bisa dapetin jawaban ujian akhir jadi sekelas kita semua dapet nilai bagus!”  

It might sound nonchalant, part of the school ritual, part of a student’s life.  Tapi apa akibatnya kalau dari sekolah aja kita udah punya mentalitas seperti itu.  On the other hand, setiap kali kita baca berita pejabat A korupsi, si B pegawai bank menggelapkan uang nasabah, pejabat C beli kursi di DPR, businessman D menyuap pejabat E, dan lain-lain, kita selalu complain.  “Aahhh….Indonesia payah!!!!  Pejabatnya koruptor semua!”  “Gimana mau maju ni negara kalau uang pembangunan masuk kantong pejabat melulu!!”  Nah, kalau dari sekolah aja kerjanya ngebet melulu, apa yang kita harapkan?

Kalau dari SD terus sampe kuliah kerjanya nyontek, taking shortcuts, what will stop them from doing the same when they start working?  Masa kita mau surprise, mau kaget giliran denger banyak pejabat korupsi?  Bisa dapat uang dengan cara nyelewening dana negara yaaa…  Itu kan sama aja jadi kaya dengan cara cheating, taking shortcuts. Udh kebiasaan sih dari SD…  jadi udah gak ada rasa bersalah.  Malah bangga! Kalau dari muda udah gak punya integritas.  Kayanya kita ngarep terlalu banyak deh, kalau berpikir integritas itu akan timbul pada saat mereka mulai bekerja.  Sekalipun kalau jadi pejabat negara.

Makanya saya kaget dan bangga banget waktu denger sepupu saya memulai program kerjasama dengan universitas untuk mengajarkan “integrity.”  Menurut Wikipedia, the word "integrity" stems from the Latin adjective integer (whole, complete). In this context, integrity is the inner sense of "wholeness" deriving from qualities such as honesty and consistency of character. As such, one may judge that others "have integrity" to the extent that they act according to the values, beliefs and principles they claim to hold.  Seneng ya, ngebayangin kalau orang Indonesia, termasuk pejabat-pejabanya jujur dan menjadikan kejujuran tersebut sebagai nilai, kepercayaan dan prinsip hidup.  That’s what this program aim to accomplish.  Start introducing integrity early, before they go in the work force.  To be honest, it would be even greater if they start it in SD or SMP.  Anak jaman sekarang, gitu loohh…

Still, it is one step for betterment.  Sebelum mereka get into their first job, dikorup sama temen, boss dll.  Diajarin how to push the boundaries, bend the rules and start thinking that this is how it should be and since everyone else is doing it why shouldn’t I.  Mereka di buka matanya di bangku kuliah apa integritas itu.

Kita harus mulai menanamkan nilai yang namanya integritas ini ke anak-anak kita, semuda mungkin.  Afterall, we reap what we sow.  Kalau generasi muda gak kenal yang namanya integritas, tuanya juga gak bakal kenal.  Dan makin bobroklah negeri ini nanti jadinya.  So, let’s teach our children, our peers, even ourselves about integrity.  For the betterment of Indonesia and a stronger nation.

This blog is dedicated to Mira Maruto, my brave cousin.  For more info on this program, visit http://www.tiri.org/