Corporate Sluts

Just typing it makes me wince.   What is it anyway…  Is it a person who is willing to do anything for her job?  Is it the slutty girl in the office?  Whatever the real answer is, I felt that I had a moment of corporate sluttiness (is there such word?) about a week ago.

We were courting this BUMN company (that shall remain nameless) for its business.  And this was the second meeting, where we were expected to share what we can do for them.  There were 5 of us from the team: 3 guys, me and another female colleague (say, her name is Barbie), to meet the division heads.

Picture the scenario:  we entered a room that was predominantly male.  Barbie and I walked in first, greeting them with what I thought was our professional demeanor.  But amazingly what they notice is our scent.  For the first comment we receive was not “nice to see you again….” Noooo…..  It was “Wah ruangannya jadi harum nih…” complete with the dirty smile…  What the fuck???  Seeing that it is only the beginning of the meeting, I just forced a smile.

After that the meeting progressed quite well and that incident was almost forgotten until Q&A session where one of the client said “saya nanya-nya sama yang duduk sini aja deh… (pointing to Barbie and I), yang lebih putih-putih…  yang disana (ponting to my male colleagues) lebih item-item… enakan sama yang putih-putih!”  more dirty smiles…  more knowing looks were passed… WHAT THE FUCK?????

After the meeting my male colleagues were all “you should have seen your face,” “I was afraid you were gonna say something,” “what were they thinking?” etc…etc…

I didn’t know what happened to me that day…  whatever it was, I felt that I was a corporate slut.  Somehow, I became this person who just stood by as I was obviously being harassed or I was seen as the meeting eye candy.  Either way, corporate sluts. 

I was really mad…  Why can’t these men see us as professionals?  Why is it that looking good means that a woman is subject to lewd behavior?  Does it mean that we have to look butch to be seen as a professional?  To be ugly? I really wonder…  If having an opinion, presenting myself well, acting professionally will be devalued just by looking good, then I am doomed.  Not just me, most women are.   

Most of all though… I was mad at myself.  I was angry that those behaviors were tolerated… regardless of why; Is it Barbie’s fault for looking gorgeous, mine for not retaliating, nipping it at hallo or them for being pigs… But really, I was angry that I didn’t say anything. 

By not saying anything, I gave it permission to continue.  By not saying anything, I was an object, by not saying anything I let my fellow women professionals down.  By not saying anything, I become a corporate slut.

The New Nuclear Family

Dad, mom, kid and nanny (or even nannies), how often do we see that at malls, cafes, schools, hospitals, you name it? It is becoming a common sight.  Yet I often wonder why that is.  Growing up, my parents don’t have a nanny tagging along wherever we go.  My two sisters and I have to do things on our own.  And we were fine.  So I wonder why is it that my generation is so dependent on these nannies?  Are we less capable?  Or are we simply lazier?  Or do we have too much money or too busy that we can’t be bothered taking care of our own kids?  Whatever the reasons might be, do we think about how this will impact our kids?

Before we get married, I made it clear to D that if he expects us to have kids, he have to agree to help me take care of them.  Simply because I can’t see myself going around with my kids plus a nanny in tow.  I just can’t.  I firmly believe unless you can take care of your kids, you have no business having one.  I am not anti nanny.  I myself employ one to take care of my three kids who are 3, 4 and 9 years old.  I see her as a necessary evil.  I work full time and I have a side business, so yes, it will be highly unrealistic of me to not have anyone taking care of my kids when I am at work.  But at the same time, I don’t want to make it a habit for my kids to have someone at their backing call. 

I believe, kids must learn responsibility early on in life.  The more they learn to do things on their own, from the simple act of putting on their own shoes, to more complicated things like taking care of a pet, the better of they are.  That is why I believe, having too many nannies taking care of them actually rob them their opportunity to become independent.  Children are actually capable of doing things, more than what we adults give them credit for.  Matt, my 3 year old, can do most things on her own, with the exception of cleaning herself (after she goes to the toilet) and showering cleanly (although if you ask her, she will insists that she can shower on her own) .  The added bonus is that they feel empowered, confident and proud; all features we as parent desire our children to have. 

“…every parent is a teacher.  The mission that we’ve undertaken is not simply to feed, cuddle, and protect our children.  We will also need to teach them to become independent, self-confident, successful adults, who are happy and fulfilled in their lives.” 

Tim Seldin, President of the Montessori Foundation.

I understand that every parent wants the best for their children.  However, I also think we need to take an honest hard look at ourselves and examine the impact of our decisions. Could it be in our act of wanting to give them the best we actually rob them of what’s best for them?   Simple things we can start with is:  is one nanny per child a REAL necessity or luxury?  Are there things I can teach my kid to do on their own rather than have the nanny do it for them?  Who knows, the answer might surprise you.

Good things will come

A friend once told me, do what you love and good things will come.  And it did.  Last week my boss told me something any employee would love to hear: a promotion.  He wants me to run my own P & L.  In truth, this is something I dreamed of doing until 3 years ago (until I lost my passion and inspiration, that is.  But that’s a different story).  Now that it’s here, I’m not too sure how I feel about it.  Scared, proud, happy, concerned, intrigued (why me?) all whirling in my head like a tornado.  All I can think of, what must I sacrifice for this? 

Mind you, if something like this fell on my lap three years ago, I would’ve said yes in a heartbeat!  Since my head is now in a different space, I have to ponder about it.  If I take it, this means bigger responsibility, longer hours and bigger stress.  Can I really afford it?  Can I afford not to?  After all, opportunity such as this doesn’t really come often.  Dilemma… dilemma… dilemma.

But after contemplating it for a couple of days, I started getting clarity.  Why is it a dilemma?  Yes, it will be hard.  Yes, it will mean more juggling.  More planning, organizing, strategizing, but then again… what’s new?  Besides, deep down inside, I know I’m saying yes already.  So last Monday, I braved myself to say yes (and was received with a big hug by my boss).

After all, like I always tell my daughters, you won’t know until you’ve tried it.  I shouldn’t worry so much about what if...  I should think positive and happy thoughts J  Still, it can’t be trying just for the sake of trying.  I must do justice to my decision.  It is about doing.  More importantly, it is about putting my passion into it.  If I can do that, I believe I will be able to keep all the balls on the air.  Sure, there will be times when one is about to drop, but with my focus, passion and perseverance, I believe, if I keep at it, more good things will come. 

Powerful Me

Whoever said women is the weaker sex, must be mad.  Haven’t they heard “Behind every powerful man is a strong woman?”  The first time I came across that expression was on a sticker on top of my mom’s dresser.  I never put much thought into it.  Whatever boosts her ego I thought.

I now realize it wasn’t about ego.  It was a reminder.  A gentle reminder to us women of the role we play in our husband’s life.  

To some of you, this might be of no surprise.  It is not that I am oblivious to the fact that we do affect them.  I just didn’t realize how much.  I learn this through my own experiences.  Through the ups and downs in our marriage, I get to learn what really matters to D.  And I am ashamed to admit I haven’t always been there for him.  Not by choice, but out of ignorance really. 

Some things that I thought nothing of turned out to give him great stress.  For example, I love to dream (Hey, wanting it all right?).  When watching the travel channel I would say things like “Isn’t it great to just spend a month in Greece?” or “Imagine having a fantastic house like that!”  Get the idea right?  Well, to me those are just moments of day dreaming said in passing.  To him, it is another “I must fulfill list.”  No wonder he always works so hard!  Unfortunately I didn’t discover this until my 2^nd year of marriage. 

My eleven years of marriage is sprinkled with similar anecdotes.  Some of these discoveries are learnt from talking to other people (like his sister) or from reading books about relationships and some are told to me firsthand after long arguments (yeah, I can be quite dense at times).  Either way, they add to my “education” of how I can be a better wife for him.  Of how powerful I truly am.   

I learn how simple words like “I’m so proud of you,”  “Thanks for working so hard,”  “I trust you” can really make a huge difference.  In short, I have the power to instill confidence, pride, a feeling of being appreciated, trusted and loved.  Honestly, how hard is it to say those words anyway?  And no, this power doesn’t make the make me the perfect wife.  But I do hope this means I send him out of the house everyday with the feeling that he can move mountains, slay dragons, fight temptations and after he finishes his herculean labors, there’s a wife who love him waiting for his safe return.

Still think we're the weaker sex? ;)


Dedicated to all powerful women.  Selamat Hari Kartini.

Your children are not your children

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

For the past two weeks, my husband and I are debating whether or not to give permission to JC to go on her class fieldtrip to Pulau Putri.  You see, we are worried about the whole wind, tsunami, natural disaster thing.  Perhaps we are being overly protective.  Perhaps. 

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

At the same time, we want her to explore and learn about eco systems, mangrove habitats, snail colony and all that.  To have firsthand experience in studying in nature what she learn in class.  But is it worth the risk? Granted, there is no one who can predict with 100% certainty what the weather is going to be like; it could be all nice and sunny for all we know.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

So where is the middle ground?  I find this one extremely hard because it isn’t about trusting her.  It is about the X factor.  I realize there will probably be a gazillion X factors I can’t protect her against in the future.  But for now, while I still can, I feel the need to do so.  Still, part of being a parent is learning to let go.  Perhaps this is the beginning of many letting goes I must do in the future.  I am not happy with it, but then again, practice makes perfect J


on Children
by Kahlil Gibran

Leap of Faith

Agnostic or atheist, I don’t even know with certainty what I am.  Perhaps I am a bit of both, an atheistic agnostic or an agnostic theist.  Either way, it is obvious that I am struggling with the idea of God, and therefore religion.  I am neither a philosopher nor a hippy.  I am just someone who has too much commonsense paired with a strong need of proof.  I couldn’t make the leap of faith. 

I have a “claimed” religion, which I obviously don’t practice.  This is the big flaw in my life, one that I am not proud of.  It is also my one biggest fear.  I don’t want to rob my kids the opportunity for them to believe in something.  I don’t want them to follow my footsteps just because there’s no other example.  I know I have to figure this out for their sake.  Given the option, I’d rather come clean and tell them of my struggles rather than be a churchgoing phony.  They don’t deserve that.  Plus they are too smart, they’ll see right through me.

After what seemed to be months (or even years) of not going to church at my own will (being guilt tripped by mom to go, doesn’t count), I asked my family to go to church today.  I don’t know why all of a sudden I just felt like going.  Perhaps my friend’s enthusiasm in describing this church did the trick.  Who knows… perhaps this was one of those signs.  Anyway, I didn’t know what to expect, but was willing to come with an open mind and an open heart.

I’m glad I did.  I didn’t know what happened today.  It could be divine intervention for all I know.  But I was so moved throughout the entire service.  I find myself shedding tears in the first hallelujah song and it didn’t stop until the end of the service.  In fact, I had to really fight back the tears (embarrassment being the biggest factor).  And it was really unexplainable.  It felt like tears of undying gratitude, for I know that I have been truly blessed.  I have a great husband, wonderful children, a career I love, a business I’m excited about, good friends… a brilliant life.  I surrendered, opened my heart and filled it with this new warmth. 

Am I making a leap of faith?  I don’t know.  Even as I am writing this, I know all my questions about God or the higher power is not yet answered.  But it doesn’t matter.  All I know is I feel happy.  At peace.  And I feel like going back next week.  Tonight, for the first time ever, I led my kids in prayer, before they go to bed.  Again, I felt undying gratitude. It reminded me with something someone said in the defining moment video at church today, “Tuhan memberikan saya kehidupan, karena Dia memiliki rencana besar buat saya.”  As I am currently struggling with my purpose in life, this really strikes a chord.  Perhaps I will find my answer by making that leap of faith.  Who knows?

This entry is dedicated to Shelvia and Doni Priliandi. 

Thanks for being such good friends who bring a positive force in my life.  Also thanks for introducing me to JPCC.

A Selfish Materialistic Bitch

“Which one would you choose to marry, a snob who is very rich or a caring man who is poor?”  Silence… I don’t know how to best answer my daughter’s question.  Do I tell her the expected “chick flick” answer, or do I tell her what I really think?  How do I tell her real life is not that simple?

We all know that if we are watching a chick flick, we will be rooting for the caring but poor guy.  Because deep down inside we are hopeless romantics and desperately want to believe in our childhood fairytales where good always conquers evil.  That a caring guy will trumps over a snobbish guy any day, despite how wealthy he is.  Plus of course the idea that money is not everything.  That answer makes us feel good about ourselves.  

However, do all the chicks rooting for the poor guy in the movie will do so in real life?  I maybe won’t.  I don’t know.  I believe, one of the best ways to find a husband is by being true to yourself.  If you are used to a certain standard of living, what business do you have choosing the poor guy?  You will only end up miserable.  Take me for example; I was raised in a well to do family.  So I know that after I get married, I will expect a similar standard of living.  I was willing to go down a notch, even a few (and I did), but I wasn’t willing to be completely poor. 

I’ve had enough boyfriends and my fair share of fun to know that I’ve “been there, done that” (literally), and come marriage, I want my marriage to last.  Therefore, I realized early on that I have to be very clear with my expectations from sex, religion, education, raising children, to money and career.  There is no more being nice just to get laid.  This is the real thing.  And as such, I need to be brave enough to put down my terms, even if it meant that I could lose him. At the risk of being called a bitch, a selfish bitch, a selfish materialistic bitch, I raised all those topics and more to my then would be husband. 

I remember the hardest part was telling him that I want a certain standard of living and exactly how I want my earnings to be used (and he did called me materialistic J), but you know what, I’m glad I did.   At the end of what seemed to be e very long day (with emotional roller coasters, tears and angers), we both know our expectations and we both came to agreements covering all those topics. They are all something that both of us can live with.   Eleven years later we still live by those decisions.   And I think, that’s what’s important.  Knowing yourself and your partner well enough and know what both of you expect of one another, BEFORE I dos are spoken.  There is nothing worse, than short selling yourself.  You deserve to be happy, but you are the architect and contractor for your own happiness.

So going back to the question, I told my daughter, I will choose neither.  Because none of them is good enough for me.  I want a caring rich guy.  If that is not in the choice right now, I will pass until it is.  I just hope she understands and not see her mom as a selfish materialistic bitch.

You Reap What You Sow

How often have you heard this “hahaha…  gue sukses abiss ngebet.  Tu dosen emang rabun jauh!”  “Waktu gue di sma gue jagoan ngebet.  Gue tulis kebetan dimana-mana tapi gak pernah ketauan.  Pokoknya tiap ujian gue gak pernah belajar dan nilai gue selalu bagus.”  “gue dong lebih hebat lagi!  Temen sekelas gue anaknya jendral xxxx gak tau gimana pokoknya dia bisa dapetin jawaban ujian akhir jadi sekelas kita semua dapet nilai bagus!”  

It might sound nonchalant, part of the school ritual, part of a student’s life.  Tapi apa akibatnya kalau dari sekolah aja kita udah punya mentalitas seperti itu.  On the other hand, setiap kali kita baca berita pejabat A korupsi, si B pegawai bank menggelapkan uang nasabah, pejabat C beli kursi di DPR, businessman D menyuap pejabat E, dan lain-lain, kita selalu complain.  “Aahhh….Indonesia payah!!!!  Pejabatnya koruptor semua!”  “Gimana mau maju ni negara kalau uang pembangunan masuk kantong pejabat melulu!!”  Nah, kalau dari sekolah aja kerjanya ngebet melulu, apa yang kita harapkan?

Kalau dari SD terus sampe kuliah kerjanya nyontek, taking shortcuts, what will stop them from doing the same when they start working?  Masa kita mau surprise, mau kaget giliran denger banyak pejabat korupsi?  Bisa dapat uang dengan cara nyelewening dana negara yaaa…  Itu kan sama aja jadi kaya dengan cara cheating, taking shortcuts. Udh kebiasaan sih dari SD…  jadi udah gak ada rasa bersalah.  Malah bangga! Kalau dari muda udah gak punya integritas.  Kayanya kita ngarep terlalu banyak deh, kalau berpikir integritas itu akan timbul pada saat mereka mulai bekerja.  Sekalipun kalau jadi pejabat negara.

Makanya saya kaget dan bangga banget waktu denger sepupu saya memulai program kerjasama dengan universitas untuk mengajarkan “integrity.”  Menurut Wikipedia, the word "integrity" stems from the Latin adjective integer (whole, complete). In this context, integrity is the inner sense of "wholeness" deriving from qualities such as honesty and consistency of character. As such, one may judge that others "have integrity" to the extent that they act according to the values, beliefs and principles they claim to hold.  Seneng ya, ngebayangin kalau orang Indonesia, termasuk pejabat-pejabanya jujur dan menjadikan kejujuran tersebut sebagai nilai, kepercayaan dan prinsip hidup.  That’s what this program aim to accomplish.  Start introducing integrity early, before they go in the work force.  To be honest, it would be even greater if they start it in SD or SMP.  Anak jaman sekarang, gitu loohh…

Still, it is one step for betterment.  Sebelum mereka get into their first job, dikorup sama temen, boss dll.  Diajarin how to push the boundaries, bend the rules and start thinking that this is how it should be and since everyone else is doing it why shouldn’t I.  Mereka di buka matanya di bangku kuliah apa integritas itu.

Kita harus mulai menanamkan nilai yang namanya integritas ini ke anak-anak kita, semuda mungkin.  Afterall, we reap what we sow.  Kalau generasi muda gak kenal yang namanya integritas, tuanya juga gak bakal kenal.  Dan makin bobroklah negeri ini nanti jadinya.  So, let’s teach our children, our peers, even ourselves about integrity.  For the betterment of Indonesia and a stronger nation.

This blog is dedicated to Mira Maruto, my brave cousin.  For more info on this program, visit http://www.tiri.org/

I’m just your everyday Barbie doll

Obviously, this has nothing to do with big boobs, perfect curves, proportional measurements or long legs as I am far from those.  It is all about playing dress up.  A true Barbie fun, a true girly fun. J

Even though shoes are my first love, I can’t help falling in love with clothes once in a while.  I suppose that is one of the privileges of being a girl.  We get a plethora of style to choose from.  Plus there is never lack of designers or fashion magazine telling us what’s in fashion.   The newest trend and the in and hip thing of the season.

I think fashion is overrated though.  For me being stylish is far more important than being fashionable.  As Heidi Klum says, with fashion, you’re either in or your out.  It’s faddish.  Style is more enduring.  More eternal.  A person’s sense of Style is the true essence of who she is. 

I know a person who's always very concern about "what's in fashion."  For some reason, she always asks me.  "Is this style in?"  "I'm redecorating my place, what color is in?"  "i like this bag.  It's nice!  Is this in?"  You get the picture.  Oh my lord!!!!  Who cares about what's in?  Why do you want to be dictated by others anyway?  Who cares whether the bag is in or not.  if you like it and it compliments your style, buy it.   

After all, style is not about the fashion.  It is about your confidence.  You can be wearing the latest fashion from head to toe, but if the confidence is not there, you don’t look captivating.  On the other hand, there’s nothing more intriguing and sexy than a confident woman.  That is how a size 10 woman can look better than the size 2 woman.   Confidence is all about your attitude.  When a woman is confident, she loves herself and it shows.  Thus, no matter what she is wearing, she looks intriguing. 

So ladies, the next time you get dress, don’t think so much about what others may think or what’s in fashion.  Feel confident with yourself and your style.  Believe that you are beautiful (because you are).  Mix and match, experiment, have fun, be unique, be your own Barbie doll J

Fantastic Mr. Foxy

No, this is not something out of the Roald Dahl collection.  This is something from my private vault.  My Fantastic D.  My Foxy guy.  Like Mr Fox, he is also very smart, resourceful and works hard to feed his family.  Unlike Mr Fox though, he is not a crook and he is sexy!!!  He makes my world turns. 

I consider myself very lucky indeed to have a spouse that is not only a great provider but also a soul mate.  He gets me.  In my moments of doubts he will convince me.  When I am scared, he will encourage me.  You get the picture, right?  Once I was having a really tough week, 9 months pregnant, working 12 hours a day launching a campaign for a very demanding bank client.  So I did what I do best to alleviate my stress.  I buy shoes.  A pair a day…  Since I was 9 months pregnant, I just left those stilettos piling in my hallway.  At the end of the week, he just look at the pile, and said, “tough week huh?”  That’s the kind of guy he is. Very understanding to say the least.  Not judging, none of this why-did-you-spend-so-much-money-on-shoes crap. 

There are more incidences throughout our marriage that makes me love and appreciate him more.  Some are prompted by my friends.  As they complain about what their husbands let or don’t let them do, my appreciation towards him grew.  I never have to face a situation where I must ask for his permission.  Be it taking nude photos of me or redecorating the house, he trusts me enough to let me do the things I want to do.  At the same time though, I sometimes can’t help feeling sorry for my friends.  their life is completely dictated by their husbands.  It is as if they lost their independence and a part of their identity the moment they get married.  Why do guys do that?

I get that guys are about respect.  But why do they have to get it by taking something away from their wife.  Once a guy friend (who was recently married at that time and forbid his wife from working) asked me, “How come my wife said she feels she is losing her identity by not working?”  I was annoyed that he has to ask that…  I mean seriously???  Seriously!!!  How would you feel if all of a sudden your wife is the sole provider and you stay home.  Wouldn’t you feel emasculated, devaluated, and useless?  And you have to ask?   Seriously!!!!

On the other hand though, I secretly wonder why my friends let this happen to them.  If they do it with love, that’s cool.  But the fact that they are complaining about it, shows me that they’re not happy.  That’s not cool.  Our destiny is in our hands.  Nobody, not any guy should define it for us.  We owe it to ourselves, to set forth our terms.  Afterall, do we really want to loose our independence and identity?  

The art of doing nothing

I wish I can be the master of that.  Become ladies who do lunch… yeah, right!  As much as sometimes I tell people that I want to be a Tai-Tai, I know better deep down inside J

My days are filled with scheming (of good things), scheduling, organizing, planning… multi-tasking!  There are super crazy days, and there are ok days.  Whatever it is I find comfort in knowing that no matter how good or how bad a day is, that I have accomplished something.  And I am closer to reaching my goal, be it home, family or self. 

So a day like today baffled me.  Like usual, today is also about planning, scheduling, multi-tasking.  But there is a feeling of total uselessness.   It’s not that I didn’t get anything done.  I did.  I got a a lot of things done, like arranging my travel to Australia, a presentation for a client, plus few other work related things and home related things.  It’s just that everything seems to just pass by, without a sense of purpose.  I don’t even know how I manage to just cruise.  Now at the end of the day, everything just seems so absurd.

I think this goes back to my needing to find a greater purpose in life, so that I feel like I’m not just wasting this life, wasting it day by day by doing nothing.  I need to find a new passion.  Soon.  I should write my obituary and include a BHAG in it.  Who knows?  Perhaps it will lead somewhere.  Because the art of doing nothing gives me nothing and that’s just a big nothingness.  (Does it even make sense?)

BHAG: Big Hairy Audacious Goal

You are not your handbag…

You are your shoes though…

Ha  ha… just kidding! 

Nah… let’s get serious!  A woman is about her substance.  Not about how expensive her handbag is. 

I know a few people who’s all about the Birkin and that’s what they’re all about.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  Woman like that pisses me off.  I feel that they just waste their life.  For me they completely put to waste the efforts put forth by our predecessor who fought for women’s right: Kartini, women’s suffrage, woman’s lib, pro-choice, etc. etc.  How can it be that their goal in life is to just look pretty with their Birkin???  AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!

I wish with every fiber in my being that my daughters will not turn out anywhere close to that.  I believe it is my responsibility to ensure that from happening.  They need to understand that a woman has to have a sense of purpose beyond her own selfishness.  That we have the strength to move mountains (and to walk with 4 inch stilettoes for hours on end), that we are the driving force in our family, community and the world. 

Having said that, I am personally overwhelmed by this responsibility.  Where do I start?  How can I make a difference?  How can I inspire them?  Is it enough to do it just by being accomplished in home and work?  Somehow that doesn’t seem enough for me.  What about community contribution?  Or am I actually making it bigger and more complicated than it should be?  I mean, I look at Oprah, at how phenomenal she is and I can’t help feeling really small and useless.  It makes me wonder if I have what it takes to inspire my daughters.  Am I phenomenal enough? 

I know that I am far from those handbag ladies, but I am also not anywhere close to being truly phenomenal.  I know that I will struggle with this for a while, I just hope that it is going to be a short while J

The Dieting Dilemma

I always fail in dieting.  Not that I’ve done a lot of it, but the few times I’ve done it, I can only do it for a few days, 5 days tops.  I know I am a very determined person.  However, when it comes to dieting, the determination just faltered.

When I want something, be it a particular pair of shoes or winning a new account, I will put my all to it.  If I want it enough, I will have nothing but determination.  I spent close to an entire day going around Barcelona for a pair of United Nude fuschia Mono Jane.  Obsessed?  I can be at times J 

So I can only attribute my dieting failure to not wanting it enough.  I don’t want skinny bad enough.  I don’t want size 2 bad enough.  Don’t get me wrong; whenever I see a hot bodied girl, I picture it in my head that it could be me.  But then again, how important is that?  With all the things that go on around me, my work, my kids, my husband, my business, being skinny is so not up there…  honestly!  Another thing is, I am not body conscious.  I have long learned that looking good and sexy has nothing to do with being a size 2.  It is all about being a confident beautiful me.  I feel comfortable wearing my bikini when I was pregnant, a size 10 or a size 6.

Having said that, I really applaud other women who can really keep at it.  The ones who really work hard at it, I mean.  Not the ones who are just genetically well endowed (like a friend I have who eats like a horse, literally, and stay a size 0), they so don’t count… (envy…envy…envy…).  How do they do it?  How do they want skinny bad enough that they can just eat salad, exercise and drink water all day.   What’s their motivation?  Do they buy a killer dress 2 sizes too small?  I wonder, what should my motivation be?

Childlike Delights

It is amazing how kids can influence you.  So far my kids have made me smarter, stronger, braver and more religious…  Well, perhaps a little bit religious is more like it, considering I don’t practice any.  Anyway…

Today my sweet Alex lured me to one of my favorite childhood activity: drawing.  I have forgotten the simple pleasure of it.  What makes it more special is that I was drawing with my old drawing equipment… yup… I still have them.  My old Caran d’Ache set.  I’ve always been very meticulous with my stuff to the point that I don’t let my daughters use them (like my 96 colors Crayola set and my Smurf collection among others).  However, sharing my drawing set and drawing with her was really fun.  I felt like a kid again… and I drew like one.  Princess complete with castle…  I guess having girls does that to you… pink and princess galore!!!

My point is, I think we need to revisit our childhood again and again, especially the things we like doing as a kid.  I mean my kids draw and color all the time.  Even though I was always there with them, I don’t participate.  I usually sit in the sideline giving encouragement.  For me, today was a fun time and education time as well.  I was able to teach Alex how to work the water soluble color pencil and wax oil crayon and mixing it with water color to create a drawing with many effects.  She taught me to have fun and be silly every now and then. 

Since this blog is part of my #Misi21 anyway, I think I should be more explorative with my daily actions and then blogging about them afterwards.  Why not right?  Thus I am now thinking what else did like doing as a child?  Besides kissing boys of course!

Every generation, blames the one before...

...And all of their frustrations come beating on your door
I know that I'm a prisoner to all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage to all his hopes and fears...
I just wish I could have told him in the living years...

I was watching a Glee episode and came across that song by Mike & the Mechanics.  It makes me think about myself.  I know I don't project my failures and miss-opportunities for my kids to achieve, but do I give them enough encouragement?

About 3 months ago JC was determine to get a solo in her Drama Club's performance of Glee.  "Do you think I will get the solo mom?"  "I think just try your best and we'll see what happens."  "Gee mom, I was hoping for ‘of course you will get it!’  Thanks so much for your lack of confidence."  Whack!!!!  I felt like I was hit in the face.

I am probably one of the luckiest person.  I have a positive role model in my mom.  Like me, she has 3 daughters and worked full time.  On top of that, I have a dad who can’t be prouder of his daughters and always instill in us we can be anything we want to be.  So you can say I already have that leg up.  Growing up I subscribe to the belief that I CAN be anything I want to be.  In college it was about being the only Indonesian senator in an all “bule” student government.  When I started work it was about being a successful advertising exec.  Eventually it is about having a successful family AND being successful at work.  Thanks to my parents I never have the notion that I must choose one or the other.


I’m sure we all agree it is undeniable that parents influence is instrumental in their children success.    My dilemma is, how do I encourage them without being unrealistic?  The reason I answered JC that way is I don’t want to give her false hopes because she chose a very difficult song to sing and I wasn’t sure what she's up against.  On one hand I want her to believe in herself and to know that I am behind her 110%.  On the other hand, I also want to prepare her for the worse, as well as being realistic.  Where is the middle ground? 

PS: in case you're wondering, she got 2 solos (Defying Gravity & Bust my Windows) and she was one of the best performer in the final show.  And no, I'm not biased!  And yes, I did regret not saying "of course you'll get it!"

The Perfection of Simple Pleasures

Today was one of those perfect days; the ones that you don’t get very often but when you do it makes you appreciate life and your existence.  It also leaves you wondering how come this doesn’t happen more often. 

The morning yoga was followed up with a nice day at work.  The best part was coming home early and spending it with my girls.  There’s indescribable happiness from simple acts like playing and watching TV together.  To hear their chats, laughter, and feel their warm hugs and kisses… the simple pleasures in life. 

I think these simple pleasures are underrated.  Most take it for granted, some are used to it, that it becomes just-a-day-at-the-office sort of thing.  These simple pleasures must be created and then savored.  I believe nothing in life just happen.  Our triumphs, our fuck ups, our loneliness, sadness or happiness are all the products of our actions. 

The moment I asked how come days like this doesn’t happen more often, I realized the answer was because I don’t create it.  I focus on deadlines, obligations, juggling taking care of this and that.  And yes, often times this and that are important, but so is my life.  I owe it to myself to pause, take a breather and every so often, savor the perfection of life’s simple pleasures. 

Is this all?

I was inspired a few times this past week.  First, it was my friend Rene who said I need to share with other women my conviction that work and family life can coexist and that women doesn’t have to choose.  In short, she can have it all.  Second, it came from a comment I got, in which the person made reference to Marianne Williamson’s our deepest fear.  “… We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do…”  Third came from a book I read “9 Summers 10 Autumns,” chronicling the journey of Iwan, an angkot driver’s son from Batu, Malang to New York City where he works as a director at Nielsen.  Fourth, was by my daughter who stated that she wants to do something great for mankind when she is older.

These make me think about my own life’s journey, about what I’ve accomplished and where I’m heading. To be honest, I know what I’ve accomplished, but no clue where I’m heading. I know that I want to be a role model and be phenomenal for my daughters, and I want to achieve that by showing them that a woman can be successful in playing different roles required from her be it career, family or other things.  But now I wonder whether that’s enough??  What was my dream growing up?   Am just going through mid-life crisis??  Or is this one of those life’s moments where a person decide to go on a different path that’s life changing.  I don’t know.

What I know, is that all of a sudden just worrying about my career and my family doesn’t seem enough anymore.  I refuse to believe this is all.  I want to leave a foot print.  My husband said I need to decide on my circle of care and my circle of influence.  My boss Regi said, based on Freud’s theory, I must decide what’s important for me, is it power, achievement of affiliation?  Huh????  Seriously???   Is this what make men date younger woman when they’re in mid-life crisis???  Hmmmm….

Regi did offer me an interesting thought.  He told me to write my own obituary… how do I want to be remembered after I’m dead?  His is that he wants to be remembered as an excellent coach in inspiring his team in business development.  My husband’s is he wants to be remembered as having made an impact in Indonesia’s digital industry.  Wow…. all so crisp and decisive…  and here I am still wondering what I want to be remembered for… great mom, wonderful wife, admirable professional, check, check, check….  But what else???  I know that I want to make a positive impact to mankind, to not be small, to achieve big dreams.  Question is, by doing what???  Does everyone go through this?  Or just me?  Who wants it all…  I wonder…